Shit happens

{ October 7, 2009 @ 6:45 PM } · { Humor }

So I decided that my first few blogs were nothing more than me feeling sorry for myself and complaining about how “terrible” my life is. So for a change of pace I decided to tell a funny story about myself. It’s actually a couple of funny stories, but they’re all linked so here goes.
It all started when I was about 19, I had a friend who had moved in with me and my dad and she was finishing up her senior year of HS. One morning her car wouldn’t start to I gave her a lift to class. Everything was great, had my coffee, smoking a cigarette, listening to some killer music, and then it happened. As I was on my way home, I felt the urge, that’s right the sudden urge to take a shit. We’ve all been there, the sweats alongside the severe cramps. I had the hopes of making it home, so I passed by several gas stations. Well, I wasn’t so fortunate, that’s right, I shit my pants. Luckily I was wearing those plastic running pants, so the seat of my car was spared.
Fast forward 3 years and my family and I are on our way to visit family out of state for Thanksgiving. It was a 10 hour drive, so we all wanted to leave early. So we’re headed east on I-40 when around the Louisiana exit it hits me. Again the sweats accompanied by the gut wrenching cramps. SO I start telling my mom, “you gotta pull over, I have to go to the bathroom”, my mind flashing back 3 years. Of course my mom thinks I’m over reacting. So I’m bouncing up and down screaming at my mom that I’m going to shit in her car. Needless to say she pulls off that freeway and I proceed to relieve myself at the nearest gas station. Now my sisters think this is hilarious, one offers to let me use her baby’s diapers. I’m not really in a laughing mood. So after I feel I’m ready to go, we pull out of the gas station to resume our trip, we pull up to the light and then it hits me again. So I decide rather than wait for my mom to turn the car around, I would jump out and run back to the gas station. So I did, I ran through oncoming traffic to avoid shitting myself. Needless to say, my sisters find this story very amusing and share it whenever possible.
Fast forward 4 years, that’s right, I’m now 26 years old. I work with kids, so we take them to parks quite often. One particular Saturday I and my coworkers took all 20 kids to the park. It was a nice day, so a coworker and I decided to take the kids for a walk around the park. Of course, we’re starting to see the trend here, it hits me. The urgent need to take a shit. I inform my coworker that I “really” need to use the bathroom. She informs me that her dad lives a few blocks away and we could go use his. So me and her get into the work minivan and head to her dads. Well, she kind of realized that her dad didn’t live nearby as I realized that I couldn’t hold it. I jumped out of the car deciding that some stranger would let me into their house to take a shit in their bathroom. I was desperate people; I couldn’t afford to shit myself in front of someone. As you can guess, no one answered the door for a crazy woman. So there I stood in all my glory and shit myself. Now we can talk about walks of shame. I’ve had a few, but walking up to a coworker and explaining that you need to go home because you just shit your pants, well that’s shameful. Funny, I’m now that coworker’s boss.
So this is when times get really tough for me and my oh so embarrassing problem. A few months later, my boyfriend and I went to dinner and I had an excellent pesto shrimp and penne. We’re driving home and as you can guess, I need to take a shit. Well I drive and drive and he says turn here, there’s a gas station on the right. So I turn and see it, a Burger king. I’m so excited because I’m not going to totally embarrass myself in front of my boyfriend. I shouldn’t get so excited. I jump out of the car and run up to the doors, and of course they’re closed. I have to think fast, there is no way in hell I’m going to shit myself in front of my boyfriend. So I walk behind Burger King, pull down my pants, and take a shit in the parking lot. That’s right; I took a shit in the parking lot of Burger King. Brett wasn’t exactly impressed, but it was better than sitting in shit on the ride home.
So a few months later, again Brett and I are on our way home from a great dinner, I had prime rib, yum. Now, we live on the north eastside of town, and the restaurant was on the north Westside of town. So we take Paseo home. Of course, right after we get onto Paseo, and there are no exits till 2nd St, it hits me. I should include that as I start to realize I really need to use the bathroom, Brett’s talking about what kind of engagement ring I would want. Now any girl would perk up at diamond talk, but then again I’m not any girl. My sister happens to live right off of Paseo and 2nd St so I tell Brett to go to her apartment and I’ll use her bathroom. Again I should realize that nothing is that easy. So my sister lives in one of those gated apartments and you have to be buzzed in. So we pull up to the buzzer and I can’t hold it any longer, so I jump out of the car and run behind a bush a proceed to relieve myself. Yes, I took a shit behind a bush, in front of my sister’s apartment. She thinks it’s funny, so do I.
So that’s me, the girl who has absolutely no control over her bowl movements. I used to be really embarrassed by the fact that I as a grown woman have repeatedly shit my pants. It’s funny, I have to laugh, and you know your laughing. Because with me around, shit literally happens.