I feel like a stranger in my own life. I don’t know how things turned out this way, but it’s time for some drastic changes. From the outside my life looks so perfect; perfect guy, perfect house perfect car, etc… But why am I on the verge of collapse? Why do I want to say fuck it and leave my fiancée, sell my car, and move in with my mom?
I’ve overly spoiled Brett. Now he comes to expect the things that I used to do out of love. It’s not love when you tell someone “I make more money, so I expect you to carry the weight around the house”. I work a full time job, and yes the expectation was I would be making more money when I graduated, but the job market isn’t exactly in my favor. Yes I have a job, a job that emotionally destroys me a little bit every day. I see things (from children) that most people wouldn’t believe. I know the horrible side of society, the side that abuses and destroys our youth. I have been trying to find a new job for a year now. I’ve sent out so many resumes that I have lost count. It bothers me that I seem to be “unhireable” and have expressed my disappointment to Brett. So then why is it acceptable for him to throw in my face that he is the bread winner? I work 50 hours a week, he works 40, I have a college degree, he has a HS diploma, and I make half of what he does. So you can imagine my frustration when I come home from a 10 hour work day to be told I need to cook dinner and clean the house while he watches TV.
I used to be so strong. I used to be so vibrant. I used to be so many things that I can’t imagine being now. I’m depressed. I can’t even stand to see my friends anymore, their happiness deepens my depression. I’ve thought about seeing someone about my depression, but I know what the root is. I’m not happy, and I haven’t been for a long time. I need to make changes for me, regardless of what others think or say. I’m tired of making sacrifices; I want the life I dreamed I would have.
Life as I know it
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